I've been avoiding this space since I got home.
It's not that I don't have any number of things to say, it's just that by the time I get around to staring at the computer screen I've either forgotten the witty tag line I thought of in the shower, or what I was thinking doesn't seem particularly important.
I think the thing is
That I'm a little depressed or something.
I expect it's partly due to being on the road for half of last month, which always takes a lot of energy.
I think it's also partly due to the readjustment that's going on in my head.
I always thought I'd breeze through into retirement, but the closer it gets, the more it weighs on me.
Not the fact of being a Retired Stay At Home Mom, but all that goes with being a retired SAHM.
It's mostly about definitions.
When Micah, the last of our four, started Junior High and no longer came home for lunch, I was a bit at a loss. Finding things to do wasn't a problem- I absolutely loved having a solid 8 hour block from the time I pushed him out the door until he came crawling back home; the problem was ... what was I?
I needed to define myself. I needed definitions to hold out to others so they could peg me.
Luckily, one of my friends opted for early retirement from her job as a school secretary so she'd be free to travel with her husband. I thought that if she was a retired secretary, why couldn't I be a Retired Stay At Home Mom when my last kid was done? Interim, I would be "Semi-Retired".
Semi-retirement is quickly coming to an end, though, and I'm having a bit of trouble deciding what "Retired" actually looks like.
For the record.
If I had a word of the day it would probably be "Transition", and transition can be a painful word.
At least "transition" is an action word, and one of these days the change in mentality and outlook, role and definition will be closer to complete and the next phase will be more embraceable.
For now, as I stagger into the future, I'll continue to process the end of this stage of life and the beginning of the next. There just might not be one or two words that can successfully sum up what I do. I might not ever be able to encapsulate my life in a single sentence.
Maybe I will never be able to define myself to my own or anyone else's satisfaction, but I'm hopeful that if it can't be done that I will have come to terms with it, and I'll be content with being an indefinite life form.
The dishes need doing and the baby blanket needs sewing.